Two in five children (41%) experience harmful verbal abuse by adults around them, reveals groundbreaking new study
“I carry this fear with me that everything adults say about me is true.” – Girl aged 16
“Words, they stick with you forever…bruises will go away.” – Girl aged 12
“If a parent says you’re useless, it makes you feel like you are good for nothing.” – Boy, 18
“It makes me really happy when Dad says a good thing to me like, ‘You played really well today’.” – Boy aged 17
- For over half the verbal abuse is weekly, and for one in ten it is daily
- Two thirds say it makes children feel sad and low in confidence as a result
- “Stupid”, “useless”, “you can’t do anything right”, “worthless”, “I’m ashamed of you” are the most hurtful and upsetting words and phrases for children
- WORDS MATTER charity launches on a mission to end verbal abuse of children by adults
13 September 2023 – A new study of over 1,000 children in June, reveals the shocking scale of verbal abuse of children by the adults in their lives. Two in five (41%) children who took part in the research (aged 11–17 years) experience adults regularly using hurtful and upsetting words to blame, insult or criticise children. Parents, carers, teachers, friends’ parents, and activity leaders are the primary sources. Most concerning is that over half experience this weekly (51%) and 1 in 10 daily.
An increasing amount of scientific research shows verbal abuse has the potential to damage a child for a lifetime. It can affect their self-esteem and confidence, their future potential, and ability to function at home, school, the workplace and in social situations. Childhood verbal abuse can change the brain and lead to a variety of issues including anxiety, depression, eating disorders, self-harm, substance abuse and even suicide.
The study also revealed that this toxic language can leave 66% feeling sad, 65% low in confidence, 53% depressed, and 52% humiliated. In addition, 46% doubted themselves, 46% felt anxious, 45% ashamed, 44% embarrassed, 32% felt isolated and 23% frightened. Notably, none of the research findings identified any statistically significant regional or socio-economic differences, demonstrating this is a society-wide issue.
The findings coincide with the launch of Words Matter (www.wordsmatter.org), an ambitious new charity on a mission to improve children’s mental and physical health and development by ending verbal abuse by adults around them. Surprisingly, despite the alarming statistics and effects of childhood verbal abuse, this is the first time any organisation, here in the UK or worldwide, has focused solely on addressing this issue. Words Matter is founded by Jessica Bondy, who experienced childhood verbal abuse herself. She is passionate about bringing attention to this critical issue, so that every child can thrive. Working with an Advisory Board of global experts, the charity is focused on undertaking research, raising awareness on the impact of childhood verbal abuse and collaborating with specialists, decision makers, organisations and people with lived experience to develop solutions. Next year it will be holding the first international conference on childhood verbal abuse with the World Health Organisation (WHO) and University College London (UCL).
The most hurtful words and phrases for children
Children were also asked what words were the most hurtful and upsetting. The top five are:
- ‘You’re useless’ 59%
- ‘You’re stupid’ 56%
- ‘You can’t do anything right’ 52%
- ‘You’re worthless’ 48%
- ‘I’m ashamed of you’ 48%
Over half (55%) of the children who took part think adults say unkind or upsetting words intentionally. When asked to think about why adults may speak to children with hurtful or upsetting language, 7 in 10 (69%) of children thought that stresses at home could be the cause. Unsurprisingly, over half (55%) acknowledged that money worries and the cost of living were the causes of stress. Only around 1 in 10 (14%) cited either working from home or because of COVID.
The most helpful words and phrases for children
The findings also show the huge power of positive words on a child’s feelings about themselves and the real value of positive reinforcement, reassurance, and acceptance.
The top five most helpful and encouraging words are:
- ‘I am proud of you’ 89%
- ‘You can do it’ 73%
- ‘I believe in you’ 72%
- ‘I’m here for you’ 62%
- ‘It’s OK to make mistakes, you can learn from them’ 61%
Nearly two thirds of children say hearing these l words and phrases made them feel encouraged, happy, good about themselves, loved/liked, and confident.
Over 1,000 parents were also surveyed, which revealed that two in three (65%) have heard adults saying unkind words and phrases to children. When parents were asked how they may feel about using harsh language to children, none of them felt good about it. They felt guilty (68%), wished they could turn back time (67%), felt bad about what they said (66%), were ashamed (61%), and sad (60%). Both children and parents agree that resources and information on the impact of words and how to talk to children would help protect children against potentially damaging language.
Professor Peter Fonagy, Head of the Department of Psychology and Language Sciences at UCL, CEO of the Anna Freud Centre, and Words Matter Advisory Board member, says:
“Words Matter is tackling one of the most critical issues affecting children. Verbal abuse of children is pervasive, and it must come out of the shadows and be properly acknowledged and addressed. What children hear when they grow up is vital to forming strong and healthy relationships with themselves and those around them. All children need positive, supportive words, to develop trust, emotional security, their identity, and self-respect. Words matter.”
Jessica Bondy, founder of Words Matter, says:
“I don’t want another child on this planet to be impacted by the harsh words of adults as it can affect them for a lifetime, like it has me. Words carry so much power with children – we all need to build them up, not knock them down. While adults can become overloaded and say things unintentionally, as a society, we must come together to support them and end verbal abuse of children so that each child can reach their potential. It is in all our interests to think about how we talk to children to give them the best start in life – if you respect a child, they will respect themselves and others.”
Child (anonymised) with lived experience says:
“I carry this fear with me that everything adults say about me is true. What the grown-ups say affects my self-worth every day and every relationship I have. I constantly worry that anyone I meet will think I am a horrible person and leave me.”
Tim Loughton MP, Chair of the All-Party Parliamentary Group for Children and former Children’s Minister says:
“I welcome this initiative by Jessica Bondy and the new ‘Words Matter’ charity which clearly fills a gap in acknowledging the harms that can be inflicted on children from the way adults communicate with them. Whilst we are all too familiar with the damage done to children as those most likely to be the victims of physical violence everyday, psychological abuse is a more insidious and all-encompassing influence impacting most on those whose mental health has already been greatly undermined because of the Covid pandemic. We all have a duty of care to treat children with care and respect and that includes the words and phrases we use whether it is in the home or in school. This initiative is an important initiative to remind us all that words matter and when used wrongly can have significant implications for children.”
Words Matter’s allies and supporters
In addition to its Advisory Board, Words Matter has held over 300 meetings with specialists, decision makers, and other organisations. Allies supporting its mission include the leading children’s charities, Anna Freud, NSPCC, MHI/Shout 85258, The Mix, Place2Be and Save the Children.
The charity is kicking off its awareness raising campaign across social media, with the hashtag #wordsmatter. To donate or support Words Matter, please visit www.wordsmatter.org.
ENDS
Notes to editors
About the research
The quantitative research among children and parents was undertaken by Family, Kids & Youth (FK&Y), led by Dr Barbie Clarke between 1 June and 20 June 2023. The research went through safeguarding procedures and was approved by an ethics committee. 1,166 responses were received to the children’s survey (children aged 11–17 years), with 53% (n=619) boys and 47% (n=543) girls, with good representation across all age groups and UK regions. To measure experience children were asked: ‘Can you tell us if anyone you know, of your age, has experienced adults saying unkind or upsetting words or phrases to them in the form of words and language to blame, insult, criticise, put-down, including banter and hurtful jokes that go too far?’ and referenced negative tone of voice and/or body language. 1,159 responses were received to the parent survey. FK&Y also carried out four focus groups with young people aged 11–12, 13–14, 15–16 and 16–17 and two focus groups with parents/carers in October 2022.